Lone Wolf

There's nothing better in life than getting to share your greatest moments with the people you love most. So when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted only to be able to share it with my family and friends. Not just the news, but the experience as a whole. Being the oldest, I knew I'd have no one there to go through it with, and my best friend had just had her first baby. In fact, it seemed like everyone I knew was either in the "no way" category, or the "inbetween kids" category. 

I was quickly surprised to find out that two of my closests friends, one being my best friend since forever, were also pregnant and due the same month as I. 

To go through the 9 months with them was invaluable. We laughed over silly pregnancy moments, cried over silly pregnancy moments, and were each other's shoulders to cry on. 

I feel silly though... Because I'm the only one who is going through this for the first time. I had questions and concerns that they were seemingly unconcerned about. Same thing goes for the child rearing. I am experiencing all of these moments for the first time and having all of these emotions and feelings, and I have no one to experience them with. 

I'm having a hard time putting into words exactly what I want to say, but essentially I feel like a fool with my concerns over time management and sleep schedules and feedings because I just have the one baby to worry about. And not only that, I feel foolish being so stressed out about it all and having such anxiety over all the details because again, it's just my one baby. I've read enough articles online to know that comparing myself to others isn't worth my time... And I don't feel like I'm comparing... It just feels lonely. 

I just sort of want someone to say, hey this is new and totally scary for me too. And I want them to say that they too stayed up for their baby's entire first night in their own room staring at the monitor just to make sure they were breathing. And what I really want is someone to say, yeah, breastfeeding is super hard and I get it if you don't want to feed your baby in front of me, or miss a feeding, or that they too think that formula might not be a terrible option (usually around 4am every night). 

I value my materity leave girls more than they will ever know.... I just wish I had one more, One who could say, yea I also had no idea what kind of diaper rash cream to buy.... So I bought one of each.